Sunday, June 28, 2009

Shy? Lonely.

I haven't written anything since that first post, 11 days ago. Probably because I assume no one is ever going to find this blog and read it. :) That would be the shy part of the title.

But tonight I think I'll delve into a subject that is one reason I started this blog: my relative loneliness. Hence the other part of the title.

The loneliness strikes me at odd times. It causes me to doubt myself. It is probably somewhat hormonally triggered. And it sucks.

I am surrounded by a noisy, loving family every day. I have a husband who is my best friend. And I love the chaos that is our home. Most of the time. But (there's always a but, right?). It's not always enough.

I am mostly a homebody, to be sure, and don't crave much of the social stuff that involves drinking and talking about things that don't interest me personally. But (yes, another but). I don't seem to be one of those people that others make a point of including. I guess I crave being wanted. Being someone who others seek out for company. And it doesn't have to be a big social event. Just a walk or a talk or a hike or phone call. But no one calls, really. I have made efforts with some people and haven't gotten much response. And that makes me sad. And insecure. Blech. (Sorry this is such a downer post, but it's on my mind and heart and I need to say type it.)

Part of me wonders if it's because I'm a pastor's wife. Could it be that others assume I won't enjoy something because of my faith? Part of me wonders if it's because we have a large family, one of the largest in this small town. Do they assume I'm too busy or overwhelmed to want to hear from them or not have time to go out to do something? Part of me wonders if I'm just a kill joy or a geek or annoying. My fragile psyche tends to assume the third option, even though at the same time I think I'm a good friend and fairly funny. Sigh.

If anyone figures out this dilemma, let me know. I'm ready to shed this yuck and feel better about myself.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Starting again

I have discovered that I enjoy blogging. I'm still relatively new to the blogosphere and am convinced I will never have a large audience, but I like it all the same. Along the way these last few months, I have found that there have been times that I wanted to blog about something more personal than this blog was created for that purpose.

Without further ado...drum roll please...welcome to my personal blog. :)

What is significant about the title you ask? Well, I am absurdly blessed. I have a life I could have only dreamed about living when I was a little girl: a truly remarkable husband, five kids who are healthy, happy and 'keepers' (read: I like them as well as love them), a job that blends my desire to work and desire to be a stay-at-home mom, a beautiful place to call home and above all a God who loves me even after looking into the depths of my heart.

I started realizing and saying I was absurdly blessed after finding out that I was pregnant with twins for the second time. I had yearned for another child for so long and God had granted me another pregnancy, with an 'extra' kidlet thrown in for laughs. I wasn't terribly excited at first (in fact I cried a lot--but don't tell the little girls!), because I knew what I was in for, but knew all the same that this pregnancy was a huge blessing and that life would only be richer for the two little lives that would join us. I was right. And stressed. And blessed. :)

So now, my youngest blessings are very ready for bed (overtired and crying) and I must end this first post.

I hope anyone who stumbles across this blog enjoys it. I know I'll enjoy writing it.