But tonight I think I'll delve into a subject that is one reason I started this blog: my relative loneliness. Hence the other part of the title.
The loneliness strikes me at odd times. It causes me to doubt myself. It is probably somewhat hormonally triggered. And it sucks.
I am surrounded by a noisy, loving family every day. I have a husband who is my best friend. And I love the chaos that is our home. Most of the time. But (there's always a but, right?). It's not always enough.
I am mostly a homebody, to be sure, and don't crave much of the social stuff that involves drinking and talking about things that don't interest me personally. But (yes, another but). I don't seem to be one of those people that others make a point of including. I guess I crave being wanted. Being someone who others seek out for company. And it doesn't have to be a big social event. Just a walk or a talk or a hike or phone call. But no one calls, really. I have made efforts with some people and haven't gotten much response. And that makes me sad. And insecure. Blech. (Sorry this is such a downer post, but it's on my mind and heart and I need to
Part of me wonders if it's because I'm a pastor's wife. Could it be that others assume I won't enjoy something because of my faith? Part of me wonders if it's because we have a large family, one of the largest in this small town. Do they assume I'm too busy or overwhelmed to want to hear from them or not have time to go out to do something? Part of me wonders if I'm just a kill joy or a geek or annoying. My fragile psyche tends to assume the third option, even though at the same time I think I'm a good friend and fairly funny. Sigh.
If anyone figures out this dilemma, let me know. I'm ready to shed this yuck and feel better about myself.