I've been struggling a bit with the start of the school year. I have been a part-time school librarian for five years (I think) and, after a long and arduous year of getting certified and hired, added part-time Spanish teacher to my repertoire this year. Now, I basically did that same position most of last year, but this year I'm 'official' and am making much more moolah.
With this 'official' status comes more responsibility and expectations for attending trainings and workshops. Well, whaddya expect? you ask. Yeah, I know. What did I expect? Somehow I expected to have it be okay that I'm the Librarian who happens to teach Spanish. But really I am employed as the Librarian/Spanish teacher, AKA the Spanish teacher/Librarian. Equally important to the district even if not necessarily equally important to me.
Hence my feeling of being an impostor (BTW, spelled 'imposter' by me before tonight's Blogger spell check caught my mistake).
Am I being true to the new teaching position? Am I taking it seriously enough? Shouldn't I be eager to get better at teaching Spanish and seek out extra trainings? Should I have waited to let them hire me for this year closer to the start of the school year to see if anyone else came out of the woodwork (even though no one else did all last year)?
I certainly never planned to be a teacher of Spanish. It sort of fell into my lap when I got all altruistic and took it on last year. The person hired for the job bailed the day before school started. For a position that had finally been provided to our small, not-even-close-to-experiencing-equity-with-middle-schools-in-Anchorage middle school. I quickly volunteered to sub the position until Someone Else could be hired so that the position wouldn't be lost. Someone Else never showed up and eventually I became Someone Else.
Now, a year later, here I am. Not sure it's worth it. Because to be a 'real' teacher of Spanish I had to start a new degree program that allowed me to be certified as a classroom teacher. Which means lots of money for classes and books. Time spent on homework and away from family, not to mention the additional work hours that create new child care issues. And lots of stress.
And, my lack of true passion for the position has me wondering if I could be considered an impostor. Shouldn't I love what I'm teaching? Please don't get me wrong (although it'd be understandable, given my waah-ing). I love Spanish--the language is beautiful and the culture of the different Spanish speaking countries is fascinating. It's why I studied it for years and had it as one of my majors in college. But I'm not sure I'm a Spanish teacher at heart, standing in front of classes teaching vocab and conjugation. I'm a librarian.
I will continue to work hard at providing my Spanish students the best I have to offer. But in terms of 'feeling the love' for my newest position? Where do I go from here?